New Moves

I am a work in progress. I am spiraling through, evolving every second, pulsating with the breath, expanding the heart, growing. I am perfectly whoever I am right now, and of course at times I too feel that I am still not enough. I feel like I should be doing more of this, less of that, be here more, less there...you know the drill. I am also a virgo and really analytical (so they say!).

So today, I did something really challenging and atypical of me: I told my extremely beautiful, wonderful, amazing, wise, supportive, loving partner that I wanted some "space". Yeah, that vague concept of breathing room, time-to-myself thing. Spirit guides are telling me to do a "lock-in" at the Love-Joy, focus my energy on healing myself, developing my self-love rituals, and grounding myself in Binah. Year 25 was turbulent--yes, it did bring me awesome lessons that have opened my eyes to all my powers (see "The New Binah" post). Still though, I am healing from a lot of intense experiences and processing all I was awakened to. While I am aware of my ability to heal myself and the world with my dance, I sometimes feel like it's all overwhelming--balancing life, the dance, family, lovelife, the teaching, travel, finances, transportation--aaaarghhhh! You see how I could feel real bananas sometimes.

The first priority of healing myself is...MAKING TIME FOR MY SELF! (Wouldn't you know it'd be something so basic?) This is not as easy at it seems. I began OSA to make time for myself and be artistically stimulated at the same time. Of course, that's my realm--dancing! But making time for my SELF to be still, to breathe, to meditate...hmmm, not really what I wanna do! I resist it like brussel sprouts and cod liver oil. Sometimes the thought of being still turns me off so much I just busy myself even more--dance, phone, tv, computer, cook, eat, talk...anything but stillness! I am that grown-up child who still hates nap time! Except now, "nap time" is that essential, self-preservation, rejuvenation time and I can't afford to skip out on it if I'm to really experience and activate all the blessings of the Love-Joy.


As it would be, I, of course, attract myself to a person who is so committed to that Self-Love "ME-time" that sometimes I've heard "No Binah, let's link later, I have to meditate". I'm thinking, What! Move over meditation...I'm Binah! As you can imagine, I am not the happy camper when my beloved wants to "go to the mountaintop" alone. I resist, complain, interject myself into the supposed-to-be solo space and smile all the while. But then when I really overstay my welcome and have no choice but to leave, I drudge back into Binah-land with a pout on my face, only to meet my inner child who is upset that I only come to visit her when I have to. She is my last resort; she is the one I run to when I've exhausted the world's distractions. This habitual neglect of my inner child, my SELF, is not serving the sacred work of the Love-Joy. I want and need to make new moves for my SELF.


"Where to start?
Here, with me.
How...?
I think the journey will only illuminate itself to me
as I keep moving forward."

After an emotionally volcanic weekend, lots of tears poured out in solitude, and the stench of old wounds I thought were healed, my intuition told me to go even deeper and commune with Binah in a new way. I fretted and frowned over what I felt spirit was telling me to do. I did not want to take space from the person who's energy has been a divine catalyst in me owning my healing process and transformation. And at the same time, I knew that my attitude of resistance--because "I don't feel like it..." or "I don't want to!"--was blocking me from experiencing all the abundance of the moment. Whether it's my dance, or my family, or my relationship, any resistance hinders my growth. Spirit was telling me to sit still in a new way; to get up early every morning and meditate, to schedule more times to dance and follow through, write more, to clean my space and organize, to get rid of junk, to finish my children's book, to develop strategies for my dance programs--lots of work! Work that I've been running from, or dodging, or half-stepping--work I've been resisting for too long.

Was my partner the a blockage to my process? No! I am the only one who can hold me up or move me forward. That said, I jumped out on faith and told my beloved I wanted some space to "do me," to create more balance in all areas of my life, and turn over a new leaf in my self-renewal process. I wanted to stop resisting the stillness and embrace the blessings this concentrated, self-awareness brings to me. I'll spare you the details of our conversation, but it wasn't easy. On a very, deep, heart-felt level my beloved understands the critical nature of me claiming my space and supports and loves me through whatever. I felt tension but also lots of warmth and love as we hugged good-bye. When I said "I love you," as I got out of the car, there was silence and averted eyes. All I can do now is trust in the same divine love that interwined our paths in the first place.

In an effort to move through all of these heavy emotions, I took myself on a spontaneous dance date to the roof of the Kennedy Center. I usually don't go there so late in the day, but I crossed town in rush hour (something I never want to do), and caught the sun setting in time for my Love-Joy communion. I took off my shoes and felt the warm concrete began to soothe all the mind's chatter. I spun around, swung my arms, hopped from leg to leg, pretended to be a bird, a rain drop, a statue, a tree. I dug up my imaginary sounds and created songs that I danced too while passerby speculated on my purpose for dancing by myself in public. I jumped up and down, I froze my limbs in complicated ways, wove patterns of torso undulations into the invisible space--I just let loose.

I wasn't trying to dance about anything in particular. I just wanted to keep my body moving. I bent this way and that. I stretched into the clouds, willing them to move on so that the sun showered over me without obstruction. I heard poetry coming to me for a new piece I'm working on for The Saartjie Project (check out www.thesaartjieproject.org) called "Womb of Saartjie." My freeforall moves evolved into a beautiful choreographic vision.

Some women came out onto the veranda for a chatty smoke break. I migrated away from them to a clear spot. I started to dance again but it felt stale. I was bored with my own movement. I felt like I'd done all those moves before and wanted to experience my body anew. Suddenly, I had this enthusiastic idea to discover a new dance move every day during my healing ritual time. (Right now, the next 21 days are committed to a daily ritual combining meditation, movement, and writing.) I felt excited, challenged to experiment with rhythm, levels, shapes, everything! Just think, the whole world over, there are people dancing in different ways and I want to intuit them all! It's like being a movement satellite for the globe, picking up on the collective signals of humanity with dance.

This new process lifted my spirits instantly. There's something very healing about the surge of creative energy, however and wherever it hits. I scanned my body for areas I don't usually engage. I locked my arms above my head; I usually have my arms free and wild. Then I jumped up, but kept my legs together like a mermaid; I usually have my legs separated and wide, so I can cover lots of space. I tried this "bounded leaping" several times and realized how new it felt. Ah haa! I thought, my first new movement for my body. I wonder at all the movements I'll continue to unmask in the Love-Joy. There's no rush, or finite expectations; just an eagerness to be present with my SELF enough to experience the new moves.

I trust my process. I trust in the power of love. I trust my creativity. I trust the healing is the celebration. I trust that when we acknowledge our feelings, however chaotic, or confusing, or painful, or weird or whatever--we acknowledge our true selves. I trust that love is all there is and it's all we need. Join me world! Send your love to me as I heal myself. Send your love to my beloved and yours too. They are the ones holding space for us whenever we doubt our own awesome abilities. They are the ones loving us unconditionally and reminding us to love ourselves and "not be so hard" on ourselves. Send lots of love to everyone, we've all got moves to make.